Sabotage

Some people just have great self control and self discipline. I've mentioned before that my dad had the most self discipline of anyone I have ever known.

I do not.

Though I am very goal-oriented, I need measurable benchmarks, and I really enjoy success -- but sometimes I sabotage myself. For example, I've wanted to lose 10 lbs. for a couple of years. Sometimes I gain weight, sometimes I lose weight, but I still have not lost that 10 lbs. A few weeks ago I decided I really want to lose that weight and again started tracking what I eat. Tracking calories is supposed to help people to make smart health decisions and to eat better. I gained 2 lbs.

Well, the next week I lost the 2 lbs. and eventually lost an additional pound. I immediately could not control my urge to eat a bacon blue cheeseburger, didn't exercise all weekend and gained it right back. (Yes, I did write it down. The calorie count that day was outrageous!)

I often start very well. I don't like breakfast, so I make myself eat whole wheat toast with peanut butter or a healthy granola bar (Kashi brand). Mid-morning I eat fruit. I've had some really healthy lunches and felt great. But if I let myself get hungry in the afternoon, or after dinner -- everything falls apart. Even with no change in my purse, I find a way to buy a bag of Doritos from the vending machine. Once I get home I think I'll have one cracker with a little cheese while I'm cooking something nice and healthy, and before I know it I'm no longer hungry and half the box of crackers is gone.

I sometimes do it with exercise, too. Saturday I didn't walk because of the snow. Understandable. Sunday, I didn't even attempt to go outside and found out too late that the trail at Sharon Woods was clear and others had a great walk. (I needed 8-10 miles to stay on my training schedule.)

So, I have to wonder -- why do I sabotage my success? What am I afraid of? The next thing I need to figure out is how to stop it.

There are two things I know for sure.

If I make a race into a big event, I am always prepared. I'm confident I will finish the Arizona Distance Classic, though the weather has not been conducive to the type of training that would help me PR. (This one will be for fun.) If I do choose a full marathon for later this year, I will PR.

Second, if my son bets me that I cannot do something -- I won't fail! This goes toward the push up challenge. He bet $20 that I won't be able to do it. I will.

So, if I could get someone to care about how much I weigh other than just me, or if I could make it some type of challenge or big event, I know I'd be successful.